


Confess

by Mmoon_dust



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: All kinds of tropes, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Smut, Spin the Bottle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 10:06:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20338357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mmoon_dust/pseuds/Mmoon_dust
Summary: Adam and Ronan have feelings for each other, but are they willing to confess?





	1. Chapter 1

When Adam heard a knock at the door, he felt too tired to do anything about it. He had been studying Latin for a few hours now and was still behind, so he knew he couldn’t deal with anything else at the moment. So he acted like he didn’t hear the knock.

That was, of course, until the knocks got harsher and starker. Adam murmured things between his lips and went to open the door. “Lynch, for the last time, _what_ do you want—” he was saying when he trailed himself off and saw Ronan.

He already knew the person behind the door and the harsh knocks was Ronan, but he didn’t know _this_. He was looking at him, staring for way too long at his arms and face and his red, burning eyes. Adam didn’t know what to do.

He wanted to take Ronan inside, or _drag_ him inside, really, because he wasn’t an idiot to attempt to carry Ronan Lynch— but he wanted to help him. He wanted to hug him, too, maybe. Comfort him about everything they had been through. He knew this was about Kavinsky, or he thought so. Adam wasn’t sad about Kavinsky’s death, not at all, but he knew there was a part of Ronan regretting it. Adam knew a part of Ronan blamed himself for it. _Hug _him, though? Adam brushed the thought away as he looked Ronan up and down. “Are you _drunk_?”

Ronan grinned. His left arm was against the wall, keeping him from falling. His black tank top was soaking wet. It was raining on a cold November night and all Ronan was wearing was a black tank top on top of his black designer jeans. His eyes were so red, so bloody and he smelled so badly of alcohol, so badly of _danger _that Adam asked himself why he was still waiting here instead of helping his friend.

He got under Ronan’s right arm and dragged the boy inside. He closed the door with his leg, then he lay Ronan on his bed. Ronan didn’t lie down, but he sat. Adam went to lock the door and turned back to look at Ronan, his eyes curious.

“I’m listening,” he said.

Ronan was watching his own hands when he heard Adam. He looked up at the other boy. He didn’t say anything.

Adam sighed. “Really, Lynch?” He asked. “You come to your own church drunk as hell and won’t even tell me why?”

Ronan kept staring at Adam, making Adam stare back. He knew this was a game between the two of them, and he knew looking away meant losing, but he remembered how drunk Ronan was and felt stupid immediately. He asked, “Did something happen?”

Ronan shook his head, eyes still on the boy.

Adam looked away. After a moment of hesitation, he walked to Ronan, just enough to touch the boy’s knees with his own, and leaned in. Ronan stopped breathing.

“I’m taking your phone,” Adam assured him as he got it from Ronan’s pocket. He stood up, knees still touching Ronan's. He opened the phone, knowing there was no password, and wandered his fingers on where Gansey’s name was. “Do you want me to call him?”

Ronan wasn’t looking at Adam anymore, his eyes were on the ground. “Who,” he said, not really a question.

“_Gansey_,” Adam replied. “How much did you drink, man?”

Ronan smirked. Adam looked at him. Their knees were still touching even though Adam was standing and Ronan was sitting. After a moment of looking at Ronan’s phone, Adam looked at Ronan again. “I’m calling him,” he said.

Ronan took the phone from Adam’s hand, brushing his fingers on the boy’s palm unwillingly, and threw the phone away. It fell down harshly on the ground. Adam looked at it, then back at Ronan. “What the hell?”

“Don’t,” Ronan said. Then he stood up— no. He _tried_ to stand up, but couldn’t. As he lost his balance, Adam held Ronan’s arms and wrapped his leg around the boy’s back to make sure he didn’t fall, but felt bad the moment he realised how close they were. _Get your head together, Adam, _he told himself. Ronan was his friend just the way Gansey was. He wouldn’t hesitate or feel like this with Gansey.

But.

They were practically embracing each other— Adam’s leg on Ronan’s thigh, Ronan’s hands on Adam’s waist, eyes on each other, faces only a second away, and Adam realised how close he was to doing _big _mistakes.

Thankfully, Ronan shoved him away. Adam felt something sting inside, but didn’t try to hold Ronan again. “Back off,” Ronan said in a murmur as he tried to make his way to the door. This time, he held onto the wall when he was about to fall.

He looked so fragile. His head was on the wall alongside his hand, and all Adam could see was his back tattoo. _Fragile._ It was funny. Adam held back a laugh. _Ronan_ and _fragile_ were two words not to be put together.

He wondered why Ronan was so drunk. He wondered how and _why _he came here. He wondered why he hadn’t talked to Gansey or Blue but came to Adam instead.

_He’s drunk, _Adam thought to himself. _Don’t make things difficult._

But Adam’s life was all about _difficult_. He couldn’t help but get mad at Ronan for putting himself in this situation and coming to _Adam _like he knew for sure Adam would help him.

Angrily, he said, “You have to get over it, man.”

It took a moment until Ronan turned his head and looked at Adam. “What?”

“Kavinsky,” Adam replied, angrier than before, and folded his arms in front of his chest. “It’s been months. Just get over it.”

It took Ronan a moment again. Maybe it was to control his temper, or maybe it was to remember Kavinsky’s name. Either way, when he turned to face Adam, he walked to him just enough to be eye to eye. Their chests were almost touching. “What the fuck did you just say?”

Adam wasn’t afraid of Ronan. Ronan wasn't threatening, either. He looked up at the boy. “It’s bothering me, man,” he said, not at all shy of his feelings. Ronan was mad drunk, anyway. “You look miserable.”

Ronan stared at Adam for a moment longer, then slid his gaze to his mouth. As he watched it, he asked, “The fuck you think I drink for, Parrish?”

Adam shrugged. He tried his best to look casual, but it wasn’t easy when Ronan was this close and was gazing at Adam’s lips like that. “I thought ever since Kavinsky died—”

“You fucking idiot,” Ronan cut him off. He laughed. His eyes were still on Adam’s lips. “You _fucking idiot_.”

Adam allowed himself a moment to think. Then, calmly, he asked, “What?”

Ronan was still laughing. His laugh was controlled, nothing to be taken seriously, and thinking about it now, it wasn’t even a proper laugh-- it was Ronan's particular smirk. He was grinning uncontrollably, followed by a sound that was like _Hah. _It was, to Adam’s eyes, better than a regular person’s laugh.

“You don’t think that,” Ronan finally said. “Don’t tell me you fucking think that, man.”

Adam frowned. He was getting confused. He knew Ronan was drunk, but still. “What are you talking about?” He asked, irritated. “Speak directly, Lynch.”

“I am,” Ronan replied, his self-confidence back with some sarcasm. The funny thing was, they were still standing too close to one another. Their chests were still touching. Ronan’s lips were still a second away. As Adam watched them hesitate, he also watched them move and say, “Fuck, Parrish--” 

He stopped himself from continuing. He closed his eyes and waited. A moment later, his eyes wandered around Adam’s lips when he said, “Stop looking at me like that.”

Adam felt like he was getting drunk from the sight of Ronan. He felt dizzy when he was this close to him. His stomach was aching with a feeling he couldn’t name. He didn’t want to dare Ronan, but he wanted to push him to his limits. He wanted something, he wanted everything. “Or what?”

Ronan’s smirk vanished. He frowned, staring at Adam’s lips like they were a math problem, and closed his eyes again. “_No_.”

Adam didn’t know if he said it to himself or to Adam, but it was enough of an answer for Adam to take a step away. When he did, Ronan opened his eyes again.

A second passed. Then minutes, maybe hours. Finally, Adam looked at Ronan again. “Sleep here tonight,” he said. “You can’t go to Monmouth like this.”

Ronan nodded, his eyes still bloody, and he got help from Adam when he walked to the other side of the room.

Adam brought Ronan a pillow and a blanket, then lay Ronan down softly. When he walked back to his own bed, still dizzy, he heard Ronan murmur, “Thanks, Parrish.”

Adam nodded to himself, not acknowledging Ronan a thing, and closed his eyes to get rid of the anger inside of him.


	2. Chapter 2

Parties weren’t Adam’s thing.

He liked watching his friends have fun, but he didn’t like how careless they were. He didn’t like it at all when he was the one still feeling Cabeswater in his veins.

They were at Henry Cheng’s house. To Ronan’s annoyance, Adam actually thought Henry was much better than the other Aglionbros. He was still a rich, ignorant asshole, but it didn’t bother Adam that much. Ronan, on the other hand, despised Henry.

It was the 11th of November. Adam still didn’t know why they were partying, but he went along with it. Two days ago, Gansey had practically begged him to come. _It won’t be all of us if you don’t come, Parrish. Yes, I promise, it’s only us._

It really was only them. Which was stupid.

Here they were, in the living room, looking at one another. Henry was sitting on the couch, sipping on his beer, staring at Noah who was sitting next to him. Below them, on the ground were Blue and Gansey, looking at Gansey’s notebook, probably talking about Glendower. Here was Adam, sitting on the one-person couch. There was Ronan, right across him, sitting on the other one-person couch. _Lonesome, _Adam thought.

Everyone was drinking. Even Gansey, who Adam had never seen drink alcohol. He was taking slow sips of his cocktail, sharing it with Blue who had already finished her third beer.

In the middle of Adam’s thoughts, Henry clapped his hands and looked at each of them. “Alright, folks,” he said, face excited with his upcoming announcement, “who wants to play spin the bottle?”

A few of them groaned in _no, _and Ronan held out his beer as he said, “Fuck no.”

Henry looked at Gansey. “Come on, man.”

Gansey shrugged and gestured at the others.

Henry rubbed his eyes. He groaned, “WHY, man? We want to have fun, don’t we?”

Ronan hissed. Gansey shot him a look, then turned to Henry again. “I don’t see why not, you know,” he said. He stared at Blue. “If you guys are all okay with it.”

Noah and Blue hummed in agreement after a few seconds, making Henry cheer. Ronan said, “I’m not playing that shit.”

Adam looked at him. Somehow, he felt like Ronan was _his _responsibility and not Gansey’s. “Come on, Lynch,” he said. “Don’t be an asshole.”

Ronan returned Adam’s gaze. He sipped his beer. He didn’t reply, so that meant he was going to listen to Adam. Everyone cheered again and gathered around the round table.

It took them a few minutes to find an empty beer bottle since Blue had taken them all to random places, but they finally found the best one to play with. Henry also arranged and brought everyone’s favourite drink so that they would have to drink when they didn’t want to answer.

When he put five shots of tequila in front of Adam, Adam stared at the drinks blank-faced. He asked, “Who’s this for?”

Henry grinned. “You, of course.”

Ronan was sitting next to Adam. He had a glass of bourbon and another full bottle of beer in front of him. “Parrish doesn’t drink,” he said casually, “so get that weak shit off my face.”

Adam looked at Ronan sideways. He had been annoyed by Ronan ever since last night, and he knew it wasn’t Ronan’s fault, but he still couldn’t keep himself from saying, “Since when is my drinking habit your business?”

Ronan stopped for a second, glass of whiskey touching his lips, then he put it back on the table. “You’re right,” he replied, “why the fuck do I care.”

Then he stood up and went to sit next to Noah. Adam heard Noah whisper, “What was that all about?” But not get a response from Ronan as Ronan was busy settling his bourbon and beer.

“If everyone’s settled,” Henry said, holding the beer bottle. “Here are the rules: If the tip comes to you, you ask the question. If the bottom comes to you, you answer. You can choose truth or dare. If you don’t want to answer the question, just drink your drinks. Simple as that.”

When he made sure everyone agreed, he spun the bottle.

The tip was Henry. The bottom was Gansey. They were sitting across each other. “Oh, Gansey-boy,” Henry said cheerfully, “truth or dare?”

Gansey considered his options for a second, then settled with, “Truth.”

Henry put his fingers on his chin as he thought about a worthy question. He was still not really part of their group, so he didn’t know much about any of them. Adam knew the boy was most interested in Noah, but he knew nothing else about Henry other than that, either.

After a few seconds passed, he finally asked, “Tell me who the most attractive person here is, Gansey-boy, and no lying.”

Gansey didn’t say anything for a moment. He looked at his drink in front of him, and Adam knew he considered drinking instead of answering, but he didn’t. He tried to look casual when he said, “Jane, I suppose.”

Blue was drinking from her water bottle and choked on it when she heard her name. She coughed a bit, trying to ease off, but when she kept coughing, Gansey touched her back and said, “Jane— are you alright?”

Blue shrugged Gansey’s arm off and took a few deep breaths. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” she said, not looking at anyone.

Henry was grinning when he said, “Alright, then—” he looked at the others, “round two.”

He span the bottle again, and this time, Adam had to keep himself from cursing out loud. The tip was Noah. The bottom was Adam.

Noah smiled kindly but funnily when he asked, “Truth or dare, Adam?”

Adam didn’t look at the others when he considered. “Truth,” he said.

Noah thought of a question for a minute. Then, not to Adam, he asked, “Can I steal your question? I don’t want to steal questions but I want to know his answer.”

Henry blushed when he realised Noah was talking to him. He simply said, “Go for it.”

“Alright,” Noah replied. He looked at Adam again. “Who’s the most attractive person in this room?”

Adam tried _very really _hard not to look at Ronan, who was sitting right beside Noah. He was simply going to say Gansey’s name when he heard Ronan say, “Maggot, be careful not to choke again this time.”

Blue shot Ronan an icy look, but before she could snap a just as icy respond, Adam looked down at his drinks and said, “I was actually going to say Ronan.”

No one said anything for a few seconds. Adam didn’t look at anyone. He didn’t dare. He already knew Ronan was watching him. It was so awkward and so uncomfortable that Adam considered getting up and leaving. He considered saying something, too, maybe taking the bottle from Henry’s hand and spinning it, but before he could, Henry said, “I mean, my dude has a point.”

Ronan shot Henry the icy look Blue had just shot Ronan. “Fuck off, Cheng.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Henry said, hands up in the air in surrender. “It’s okay when Parrish says it, but I get a _fuck off _when I do? Life’s not fair, man.”

“_Okay_,” Noah interrupted, eyeing everyone. He leaned in to take the bottle from Henry’s grip. Adam saw Henry blush again when their hands brushed. Noah took the bottle and spun it for round three.

Adam sighed in relief when the bottle stopped. It was Adam asking the question, and Henry answering it.

“Alright,” Adam said, looking Henry right in the eye. He had already prepared his question in his head. “Truth or dare?”

“Always dare, man,” Henry said, “always dare. Shoot it.”

Adam thought so. He smiled in victory when he said, “I’d like you to kiss someone kissable in this room,” which meant Blue was out of the picture. He continued, “Preferably Noah.”

Henry looked at Adam for a second. He was trying so hard not to blush. “I mean, sure,” he said, trying to sound casual, “but Czerny wouldn’t want that.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Noah asked, his face red despite his brave question.

Adam smiled. After looking at Noah, his eyes slid off to Ronan unwillingly, who was still watching him, eyes wary, face cautious. Adam looked away. “Then kiss,” he said. “I don’t see a problem as long as you’re both okay with it.”

Blue was smiling at Noah. _So she knows about their secret crush_. They were _so _obvious Adam wanted them to go find a room and confess or something.

When Henry stood up, everyone watched in anticipation. He walked to Noah and leaned in when Noah looked up, still sitting. Henry put his hand on Noah’s cheek. Before he put his lips on Noah’s, he asked him, “Is this okay?”

Noah simply nodded.

Then, Henry kissed him. It was slow and gentle. Noah answered his kiss the same way. Adam felt an itch in his chest, but didn’t say anything as he smiled and looked at the two. When Henry leaned back and walked to his position beside Blue, he coughed. Noah was red and Henry looked too baffled to say anything. So, Adam leaned in to the bottle and span it as he said, “Round four.”

After he spun it, he gained an angry gaze from Ronan. The tip was Blue and the bottom was Ronan.

Blue clapped her hands as she looked at Ronan, smirking. “My turn, snake.”

Ronan didn’t say anything, but his gaze went from Adam to Blue. “Do your best, maggot.”

Blue smiled to that. “Truth or dare?”

Ronan looked at Adam again. “Fuck the lame shit,” he said. “Dare.”

Blue’s smirk widened. She looked like she already had a Dare question in mind. “So,” she said, looking deadlier than ever, “Kiss the most attractive person in this room.”

Adam’s eyes went straight to Ronan. Ronan didn’t look at him. He was _trying _not to look at him. His eyes were on Blue.

Then, he grabbed his bourbon glass and swallowed it whole without hesitation.

“Game-breaker,” Blue said under her breath.

“Fuck that,” Ronan said, then shot her an angry look. “_You _kiss the most attractive person in the room.”

Blue looked hurt. “You know I can’t.”

Ronan shrugged as he stood up and walked to the kitchen. “So can’t I, then.”

After he was gone, Gansey sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” he said.

Adam looked at Gansey. “Nothing,” he said. For some reason, he was annoyed. Ronan wasn’t a burden or a child, he was simply Ronan. He continued, “That’s just the way he is.”

No one said anything after that. They waited for Ronan to come back, but he didn’t. Minutes passed when they decided to play without him. Henry span the bottle again as he said, “Round five.”

Adam cursed under his breath. When the bottle stopped, he looked at Henry. Henry was going to ask him the question, but before he could, Adam said, “Dare,” impersonating Ronan’s way of saying it.

“Oooh, very brave,” Henry said, face lit up with happiness and energy. Adam wished he could feel the same way. When he didn’t say anything, Henry continued, “Alright,” he considered the questions in his mind. A few moments passed when he finally said, “Would you be up for kissing Ronan right now?”

“No,” Adam snapped. He didn’t even have to consider it.

Henry looked at him, eyes curious. “Why, though?” He asked. “Are you homophobic? If not, aren’t you guys best friends or something? It wouldn’t hurt. You made _me_ do it.”

“That’s different,” Adam said.

Henry thought about it. He asked, “How is it different?”

Adam took his tequila shot. Before he drank it, he said, “I said no.”

Then he took the shot. The tequila burned his insides, but it made him feel a bit more alive. Blood rushed in his veins and he felt like he could _feel _everything.

“Well, then,” Henry said, “since Ronan swallowed all of his bourbon, I think it’s only fitting if you took three shots, man.”

Adam looked at Henry for a second, then at Gansey for approval, something in his eyes saying, _It’s fine, three shots are nothing. _

Gansey nodded at him. Adam nodded, too, then took the three shots of tequila Henry had suggested.

The rest of the night was a blur.

Adam didn’t remember how and when they stopped playing the game. He remembered Henry saying, _We’re not getting any drunker from this, _and calling it off, but he didn’t remember how the conversation began. Adam knew for sure he was drunk himself.

Gansey and Blue were sitting on the couch, talking about something Adam couldn’t hear. Henry and Noah were nowhere in sight, which made Adam smile unwillingly.

He considered sitting with Gansey and Blue, but he knew that was not what he wanted. He made his way to the kitchen instead.

The kitchen of the Cheng’s was very big. It was just as big as their living room, with marble floors and matching decorations, a bigger round table in the middle and very elegant chairs. Ronan was sitting on one of them, drinking a beer. Adam knew he wasn’t drunk.

When he entered, Ronan’s gaze immediately went to him. Adam stumbled, then struggled to sit on the chair opposite to Ronan. When he finally did it, he returned Ronan’s gaze.

Ronan took a sip from his beer. “What the fuck happened to you?”

Adam lay his head back and closed his eyes. “Alcohol.”

Ronan didn’t smile. “I can fucking see that.” He was still staring at Adam. Adam didn’t even have to open his eyes to know. “What did you drink?”

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t,” Ronan replied. He waited for a few seconds before he continued, “I really fucking don’t.”

Adam heard him stand up. He opened his eyes. He looked at Ronan, who had already made his way to the exit of the kitchen. “Where are you going?”

Ronan stopped, eyes down, his back on Adam. “Why do you fucking care, Parrish?”

Adam stood up then. He made his way to Ronan, not walking nor seeing straight. All he could see properly was Ronan.

He stood right in front of him, making sure their chests were touching like the night before. Adam looked up. Ronan was already looking at him. Adam asked, “Are we staying here tonight?”

Ronan raised an eyebrow. “We?”

Adam nodded. _I am drunk, I am drunk, I am drunk, _something inside him was saying, but he didn’t want to stop. His insides were boiling. Ronan was too close. “Yeah, we.”

“Ask Gansey,” Ronan replied, voice much more mature than Adam’s at that moment. Adam remembered Gansey’s words about Ronan and got angry again. He said, “I’m asking you.”

Ronan shrugged. When he didn’t say anything, Adam continued, “Let’s sleep here tonight.”

Ronan didn’t say anything. He stared at Adam a minute longer, then vanished. Adam would go after him, but he knew better to wait. He knew Ronan would come back for him.

A few minutes later, Ronan came back. “Henry’s room is free,” he said, then turned and walked away without waiting for a response from Adam.

He should’ve known better, because when Adam followed Ronan, it took him only a minute until he fell down the stairs and hit his arm. “Ow,” he said out loud.

Ronan ran down to him and helped him get up. “Fuck, Parrish—” He put Adam’s arm on his shoulders. “Watch your fucking step.”

Adam grinned. “That’s what you said last night,” he said, voice too accented.

Ronan didn’t say anything. He carried Adam into the room, then lay him on the bed. When Adam closed his eyes and refused to take off his shoes, Ronan did it for him. It was a king sized bed, so being the drunk he was, Adam assumed Ronan would stay with him. When Ronan turned to leave, however, he looked up and said, “Where are you going?”

Ronan turned to him. “Sleep, Parrish. I’ll be in the living room.”

“No,” Adam said.

Ronan looked at him, eyes questioning everything. Adam gestured to his left. “Sleep here.”

Ronan didn’t say anything. He didn’t move, either.

Adam felt like he needed to do more. Say more. He tried to sound casual and not-at-all drunk when he said, “I won’t bite, Lynch. Just sleep here.”

That little push convinced Ronan. In the end, weren’t they only friends like Henry had said earlier? Ronan got rid of his own shoes and came to the bed.

“Will you sleep with your jeans on?”

Ronan nodded and got rid of his jeans, too. Then his shirt. He was naked if it weren’t for his black boxers. Luckily, the lights were off. He got in the bed very fast and turned his back on Adam.

In the dark, Adam could barely see Ronan’s tattoo. The moonlight was enough to spot the black ink, but he couldn’t see the details. He reached his hand out to touch it with his index finger. Ronan flinched.

“Stop,” he said.

Adam stopped. He didn’t take his finger back, though. He was still touching, frozen on one spot. “Why?”

Ronan considered. “Sleep, Parrish,” he said.

Adam refused to hear him. “I’m not that drunk, Ronan.”

“I don’t fucking care,” Ronan replied calmly. “Just fucking sleep.”

Adam would argue over it, but he didn’t want to risk anything he had right now. Ronan was here, next to him, willing to sleep with him on the same bed. Adam didn’t know what his feelings were, but he knew he wanted Ronan to stay.

He didn’t want to risk Ronan leaving.

He retrieved his finger back and turned his back on Ronan. “Sleep well, Lynch,” he said, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer.

He fell asleep smiling and drunk.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Adam woke up with a headache. He rubbed his eyelids and slowly opened his eyes as he was greeted with the blinding sunlight of Henry’s windows. As he took a glimpse into the room, he realised how big it was once again. There were clothes on the floor, but everything else was neat. Adam turned around to stretch himself, and realised Ronan was next to him when he couldn’t.

Adam’s realisation of Ronan sleeping next to him was more dramatic than he expected. But it was rightfully so.

Ronan’s arm was around Adam, not really embracing, but holding. His head was buried in Adam’s back, his breathing slow and calm. Adam wanted to turn around and look at Ronan, to see if this was real and not a hallucination, but he didn’t dare wake Ronan up.

Adam’s stomach was burning with want. He tried to ignore it, but it was impossible with Ronan’s head buried on his back. It had happened in their sleeps, obviously, but Adam was surprised he hadn’t realised. He was a light sleeper.

Considering again, though, he had fallen asleep very drunk and very tired.

When Ronan grunted into Adam’s shoulder and interrupted Adam from his thoughts, Adam stood still. He made sure not to move at all. He tried to even out his breathing and closed his eyes. _You’re sleeping, _he told himself. Ronan couldn’t see Adam awake.

The moment Ronan really woke up, Adam made sure he was breathing. He tried to be as convincing as possible in this _Adam is sleeping _act. It took Ronan a moment to realize what was really happening, where he was and who he was holding. Then, when he finally processed everything, he shoved himself away from Adam and breathed a, “Fuck, no.”

Adam felt something sting inside him. He didn’t even admit it to himself, but he didn’t want Ronan to be disgusted by him. Not like this. He hadn’t even done anything.

Ronan’s breathing fastened and made him sound like he was about to faint. “Fuck, _fuck—” _he was saying, and that was when Adam realised what this was all about.

He turned to Ronan to face him. The _Adam is sleeping _act was over. “Lynch, hey, Lynch—”

Ronan didn’t look at him. He pushed the covers as he tried to stand up. Before he could, Adam held Ronan’s arm gently and looked at him. “It’s me,” he said calmly. “It’s me, don’t worry.”

Ronan finally looked at him. He searched Adam’s face for a mistake, then went to his body when he couldn’t find one. Being stared down like this by Ronan twitched every muscle below Adam’s stomach, so he covered himself more with the sheets. His eyes were still on Ronan’s. “I’m real,” he said. “It’s me, Ronan.”

Ronan was staring at Adam’s chest. Adam felt embarrassment itch him. He wasn’t very proud of his skinny, freckled chest, but he didn’t hate it, either. He just didn’t want Ronan— god-like Ronan— to see him like this.

Ronan, however, was staring at Adam’s chest like it was a trophy.

It took no time for Adam to realise why. Ronan thought he dreamt a new Adam to himself, but he couldn’t dream Adam like this, because he had never seen Adam’s bare chest before.

Ronan realised this wasn’t a dream. He realised Adam wasn’t a dream, either. That meant he had hugged Adam the whole night. The _real _Adam. That meant they spooned. Adam held back a laugh.

“Are you going to shower?”

Ronan slid his gaze away from Adam. He looked at the room in front of them. He nodded slowly, but didn’t say anything.

Adam nodded back. “I’m waiting here,” he said.

Ronan still didn’t look at him. He simply replied, “Not now.”

Adam didn’t understand. He was half-hard because of Ronan, and if Ronan didn’t leave for shower now, Adam’s wants were only going to rise and rise. “Why not?”

He looked at Adam. “Not now, Parrish.”

Adam gulped. He didn’t want Ronan to look at him like that. He wanted Ronan to look away. “I’m not a dream, Lynch.”

Ronan looked away again. “I know.”

Adam hesitated. “Why don’t you go shower, then?”

Ronan pushed the covers then. When he stood up, Adam remembered Ronan was half naked. _Don’t get hard, _he told himself. Ronan was in his boxers, and nothing else. His bare chest was muscly and strong, unlike Adam’s. He had packs he had gained from working out all alone. His legs were muscly and looked like milk below his black boxers. Speaking of boxers, he was hard.

Ronan Lynch was hard.

When Adam realised this, he immediately looked away. “I— Lynch— I’m sorry—”

Ronan was still standing, looking at Adam. Adam tried so hard not to look at it again. He was _hard_. Adam wanted to make sure he saw it correctly. He _needed _to make sure he saw it correctly. “Chill, Parrish,” Ronan said. “I’m gonna take good fucking care of it. Don’t cry like a baby.”

Adam tried to breathe. “Why are you hard?”

Ronan shrugged. “I don’t fucking know, Parrish, why do you breathe?”

When Adam got the nerves to look again, Ronan turned his back on him. He made his way to the bathroom as he said, “Back in ten.”

Adam was left all alone in the room feeling anything and everything all together.

He closed his eyes and tried to think of something else. All that came to his mind was Ronan, showering, taking care of the bulge in his boxers.

Adam tried to ignore the twitch in his own boxers. He wasn’t going to touch himself when Ronan was in the next room.

His hand was aching to go down there, to touch it, to act like his own hand was Ronan’s. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Instead, he got to his feet, ignoring the bulge, and went downstairs to get some water.

No one was awake. Adam wondered what time it was. It must have been early, because the sun was just out and Adam could hear someone snoring upstairs. After he got his water, he went back upstairs to their room. Ronan was still in the bathroom, but the water had stopped. Adam wasn’t hard anymore.

All he could think about was the boy in the bathroom, though.

When did he even start having a crush on Ronan?


	4. Chapter 4

After Latin, Adam made his way to his locker. What he didn’t expect to find beside his locker was Ronan Lynch.

“Am I seeing this correctly?” He asked half jokingly. “Is this Ronan Lynch at school?”

Ronan was wearing his uniform as carelessly as always. He stared at Adam funnily.

When Adam realised he was not getting an answer, he opened his locker and got the books he needed for the next period. After a moment of both of them being silent, Ronan finally said, “Are you working after school?”

Adam considered. “I get off at five.”

Ronan nodded. “I’ll pick you up at six.”

Adam looked at him. _What for?_ He wanted to ask, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to risk it— he didn’t even know if they were going to be alone. Maybe Ronan was just going to pick him up to bring him to Monmouth. Maybe it was because Gansey wanted to hang out.

Either way, Adam didn’t ask.

He simply nodded back and watched Ronan walk away.

—

Adam got off from Boyd’s at four. He was very fast after that— made his way back to St. Agnes in fifteen minutes, showered in ten, got ready in five. He was wearing his white tee and blue jeans. This was an outfit he only wore when he was going to special events, but he found himself choosing it as he was getting ready. He wanted to look clean and good, for some absurd reason. And it was Friday.

He went outside to wait for Ronan in front of the church. Ronan was already waiting for him, leaning against the BMW, looking the same and yet so very different Adam had to gulp.

Ronan Lynch was wearing his usual designer jeans, black tank top, leather jacket and combat boots. Adam had always paid attention to Ronan’s clothing, knowing one outfit of the boy would probably cost a few months of income, yet he never came to think it looked so very _handsome _and _elegant _on Ronan.

“Right on fucking time,” Ronan said, interrupting Adam’s thoughts. He stared Adam from head to toe with practiced carelessness, and went inside the driver’s seat of the BMW without saying another word. Adam hopped into the passenger.

“Where to?” He asked, knowing Ronan finally had to give him an answer.

Ronan didn’t look at him as he started the car. “Food first.”

“I’m not hungry,” Adam replied automatically.

Ronan’s gaze on the road didn’t flinch for a second as he said, “Don’t give me that bullshit again, Parrish.”

Adam didn’t say anything. He hated getting charity from his friends. All of them knew Adam was poor and had no money whatsoever, but Adam wanted them to treat him like an equal. He wanted everyone to assume Adam had his own money for food, even when he didn’t.

Unlike Gansey’s charity, Ronan paying for Adam’s food or drinks felt different. It didn’t really feel like _charity, _because Ronan had practiced how to give Adam these things very carelessly and recklessly. When Gansey paid for Adam, Adam felt small. When Ronan paid for Adam, it took even Adam, ever the scientist Adam, a moment to realize Ronan had paid for anything in the first place.

Ronan never mentioned it. Never mentioned anything he ever did. The hand cream, the playlists, the touches, the hug, the food. He brushed everything off as _normal, _even though they both knew Adam was the only person Ronan showed these traits of _kindness_.

So, for some reason, Adam didn’t say anything. He simply watched outside as they listened to something Adam liked on the radio.

They didn’t talk the whole ride. It took more than twenty minutes, meaning they were at a richer and high-end part of Henrietta, which ached Adam’s insides. Adam could never afford _a_ _thing_ in this restaurant.

He couldn’t take his gaze off of the place. It was too much. He sighed as he asked Ronan, “Why are we here?”

Ronan stopped the car and got out. Adam followed him, staring at him, hands in pockets. Ronan tossed the keys to the valet waiting outside. When he finally turned to Adam, he said, “Because we’re hungry.”

Adam frowned. “We could eat at Nino’s.”

Ronan was next to Adam now. He led the way inside as he replied, “We can eat here, too.”

Adam didn’t reply. What was this? They usually ate at Nino’s, which was a place already way out of Adam’s budget, but this— this place was _something else_.

Adam didn’t even look at the name of it as they entered inside. He knew this was the first and last time he would ever come here, he didn’t need to know the details. He watched Ronan silently as the other boy spoke to the waitress.

It took no longer than a second for the waitress to lead them into an elegant booth. Everything looked vintage here, so rich. Adam couldn’t fit Ronan and the place together. Here was this place, old money and rich people and everything Ronan was against. Here was Ronan, then, rebel and fighter and dreamer. As they sat, Adam couldn’t help but ask, again, “Why are we here?”

Ronan sat across Adam. “Fuck’s sake, Parrish,” he said. “Ask me that question one more time—”

Adam interrupted him with, “I’ll ask until you give me a proper answer.”

“I don’t fucking know,” Ronan snapped, eyebrows coming together as his gaze fell angrier, “I wanted a change.”

Adam stared at him. “You wanted a change,” he echoed.

Ronan didn’t stare back. Instead, he had already opened the menu and was looking at his options. Adam was scared to look at it. He probably couldn’t even afford a simple soda here.

He didn’t have to look, because Ronan turned his gaze to the waitress who was waiting for them afar, and said, “We’re ready.”

The waitress approached them and looked at the two for a second. She was not much older than them, probably only a year or so. Her wavy brown hair was short and nicely accessorised with fake pearls. Her eyes were lingering on Ronan, taking his sight in with all her senses.

As Ronan spoke, ordering things with special names Adam couldn’t understand, the waitress noted everything down with an eye still on Ronan. She was smiling flirtatiously, thinking Ronan and Adam were nothing but best mates that came here to hunt girls or drink champagne or do whatever rich boys did.

That was true in theory—the best mates part— but Adam didn’t acknowledge that.

When the waitress left, Ronan went back to staring at his own hands. Adam watched the girl. Before he returned his gaze to Ronan, he said, “She was flirting with you.”

Ronan snorted. “She didn’t even say a fucking word.”

Adam shot him a look. He continued, “With her eyes, I mean.”

Ronan shrugged. He didn’t even look at her sideways as he said, “Why the fuck do I care.”

Adam got a bit more comfortable on his seat. He suggested, “She’s pretty.”

Ronan looked at him. “To you.”

“In general,” Adam corrected. “Nothing special, though. There are prettier people.”

Adam made sure to say the last part looking straight into Ronan’s eyes. Ronan flinched a bit, but looked apathetic as always, his carelessness practiced but incomplete.

After a few minutes of silence, their foods came. Everything looked glorious— the meat, the rice, the salad in the middle. Adam hadn’t eaten meat in a long, long time. He didn’t want the charity, but when their foods came, he realised this wasn’t one. None of it was.

This was something else. Ronan wouldn’t tell him what exactly, but Adam would soon find out.

He realised then that Ronan was waiting for him to start his own food. He was waiting for an outburst, perhaps. A spark of anger from Adam. He looked prepared for it.

But Adam didn’t say anything. Instead, he handled his fork and got to eating.

It was the best dinner Adam had in his life.

—

After both boys were full and couldn’t chew one more thing through, Ronan asked for check. When the waitress approached, he also added, “We want your best bourbon packed to go.”

The waitress nodded, then left, leaving Adam and Ronan staring at each other in silence. Adam was full now, so very full, and he felt an itch of guiltiness stinging him. “Lynch, I…” he said, eyes lingering on Ronan’s, “I don’t know why we came here, but—”

Ronan rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake, Parrish,” he said calmly, “just shut the fuck up already.”

Adam gulped and nodded. He didn’t say anything more. He would make it up to Ronan. He could work a few shifts more to pay for the food, the gas, everything.

He tried to make himself feel better. It was Ronan. His best friend. He could pay him back anytime.

When the waitress brought the check and the bourbon in a very fancy box, Ronan took them both. Adam watched how the waitress tried to brush her hand on Ronan’s as she handled the box. Ronan seemed oblivious to the act.

He paid cash, then stood up. The waitress took the money, counted it, and said, “I’ll bring the rest—”

Ronan raised a hand. “It’s tip.”

The waitress nodded at him. “Ah, right, sorry,” she said clumsily. Then she stood in front of Ronan, blocking his way outside. Ronan looked at her questioningly.

The waitress put a hand in her pocket and retrieved a paper. She handed it to Ronan. When Ronan looked at it stupidly, his gaze blank, she added, “It’s my number. If you’d ever like to talk.”

Ronan didn’t take the paper and looked at the girl. “I wouldn’t,” he said. Then he turned back to Adam. “Come on, Parrish.”

They left, leaving the waitress standing and staring blankly. Adam wanted to feel bad for the poor girl, but she was the one who chose Ronan Lynch of all people for her admiring eyes. Ronan wasn’t an easy piece.

And Adam didn’t think she was exactly Ronan’s type, being a girl and all. But he didn’t mention it.

When they got inside the BMW, Adam stared at Ronan. “What now?”

Ronan didn’t look at him. He started the car and got it moving when he said, “Cheng’s throwing a fucking party again,” his voice obviously irritated. “But we can go somewhere else. We don’t have to go to his fucked up shit.”

Adam was still watching Ronan. “Where?”

Ronan shrugged as he drove. “Barns.”

Adam couldn’t help but let out a laugh. His eyes slid off from Ronan. “You’re joking.”

When Ronan didn’t say anything, Adam looked at him again. “You’re not joking,” he said, face surprised. This was even a bigger twist than the restaurant they’ve been to. “I know you can go there and all, but I thought it was your special—”

“We can fucking go,” Ronan said, interrupting Adam. “It’s whatever.”

Adam didn’t say anything. Then, a few seconds later, he nodded slowly. They were going to _the Barns_. The place Ronan hid from everyone else with everything he had. The place of Ronan’s secrets. The place Ronan held closest to his heart. Adam didn’t feel worthy enough to go there with him, but didn’t say anything.

—

When they made it to the Barns, they didn’t linger much inside.

Adam tried to take in everything he saw— every dream object, every strange figure, every magical thing. He waited beside Ronan as the boy brought two whiskey glasses out and handled Adam the bourbon.

They walked outside. This place was even more magical outside with the stars shining brighter than normal, the sky bluer than ever. The grass was soft and it was the only thing other than the sky. Ronan settled a blanket on the ground and sat on top of it. Adam did the same.

They were the only ones here.

They both didn’t talk for a few minutes. Ronan arranged the drinks, pouring the bourbon just a little for Adam and way too much for himself. Adam watched the stars, surprised at how bright they were, forcing himself not to feel the ache in his stomach. When Ronan was done with preparing the drinks, Adam took no time to look at him. “Why are we here?”

Ronan frowned. “Fuck, Parri—”

“No,” Adam snapped. “Tell me why.”

Ronan stared at his drink. “Because why the fuck not.”

Adam sighed. He searched Ronan’s face for an answer. “Lynch,” he said calmly, “I really want to know why you took the effort—”

“It’s my fucking birthday,” Ronan admitted. Then, he swallowed his bourbon faster than ever and lay down to watch the stars. Adam’s eyes followed him as his head lay on the blanket. They both didn’t say anything.

It was Ronan’s birthday. It was the 14th of November.

Ronan could choose to be with Gansey and the others, or could choose be alone, like he always did— but no. He chose to be with Adam on his birthday. Ronan chose _him, _and Adam was trying not to blush. He took a long sip from his bourbon and lay down next to Ronan. He glanced at Ronan sideways while Ronan was watching the stars.

“Cheng’s throwing a party for _you,_” Adam said finally, ending the silence with this assumption.

Ronan didn’t say anything.

Adam turned to Ronan and raised his head to look at him properly. He steadied his position with his palm holding his jaw. They were closer now. “Why didn’t we go?”

Ronan didn’t take his glance off the sky. “You prefer that?”

Adam considered it. “No,” he admitted. “I prefer the quiet.”

“So do I,” Ronan said.

_Lonesome, _Adam thought.

They stayed like that for what felt like years, watching the stars, shoulders touching each other, eyes up at the sky. After a while, it got way too quiet that Adam thought Ronan fell asleep. Then, to his surprise, he heard Ronan say, “Why did you say it?”

He turned to the other boy. “Say what?”

Ronan’s side profile was so devilishly handsome, Adam had to physically force himself not to touch it. The boy’s lips parted and gave away a small huff as he said, “My fucking _name_.”

Adam realised he meant the other night. At Henry Cheng’s party, Adam had said Ronan’s name when Henry asked him who the most attractive person in the room was. “You thought I was going to say Blue,” Adam replied, not really a question but a statement.

Ronan’s lashes fell down as he closed his eyes. They were so beautiful. Ronan was so beautiful. He asked, “Weren’t you?”

“No,” Adam said.

“But you like girls.”

Adam watched the other boy’s lashes. “So?”

“So,” Ronan said, suddenly opening his eyes, “I don’t fucking understand.”

Adam didn’t hesitate for a second. He leaned in to Ronan, touching the boy’s cheek with his left hand, his face feeling the huff of Ronan’s breath.

Ronan froze at the touch. It wasn’t a kiss, it wasn’t even near one, but Adam was brushing his hands on the other boy’s face. His hand went from Ronan’s cheekbone to nose, from nose to lips. Adam touched Ronan’s lips slowly, carefully. They were soft and deadly. When he felt like he couldn’t stop himself, he drew a line upwards with his fingers and made his way to Ronan’s lashes. Ronan closed his eyes and let Adam touch his eyelids.

Adam caressed Ronan’s eyelashes. How long, how dark, how beautiful they were. He couldn’t help but whisper, “Your lashes are too pretty for an asshole.”

Ronan grinned, eyes still closed. He didn’t comment on it.

Their noses were almost touching. Adam pushed himself a bit more towards Ronan and brushed his nose into his. Ronan stopped breathing.

“Is this okay?” He asked as he brushed his nose more. His other hand was brushing Ronan’s cheekbone.

Ronan nodded.

Adam continued. He touched his forehead to Ronan’s, staring at the boy’s face from up close. How could he deny his feelings for Ronan when they were burning Adam’s veins? Adam touched Ronan’s lips again, his finger tracing the lines lightly, touching the boy’s soft lower lip a little harder, trying to feel the reality, the sensation of it. When Ronan’s mouth parted, just a little bit, it was Adam who stopped breathing.

He hesitated at first, but got the courage quickly as he lightly pushed his index finger inside Ronan’s parted mouth. It was nothing, it was everything. Ronan hissed quietly, and Adam pushed his finger more. He watched as Ronan struggled keeping himself straight. Adam was going to kiss him then, come closer, lick his beautiful lips, kiss his lashes— but he didn’t. He couldn’t risk it. He would explode.

Ronan gently kissed Adam’s finger. It was so subtle of an act that Adam first thought he hallucinated it. Then, Ronan kissed it again. “Stay here tonight,” he whispered.

Adam didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what this was, he didn’t even know if they were ever going to acknowledge it, but he nodded as Ronan got away from Adam’s fingers and stood up. He took the bourbon and the glasses with him as he made his way inside the house.

Adam didn’t know what to feel. He looked up at the stars and thought, _I’m burning._

And he followed Ronan inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst is coming.


	5. Chapter 5

Adam didn’t know why he was thinking about Ronan in the middle of work.

This wasn’t very Adam-like. Adam hated this.

Adam was going to talk to Ronan about this.

He had to, didn’t he? His heart was pounding lately, and simple touches turned into heartaches, harmless glances turned into spinning heads — and Adam definitely had to do something about it.

He couldn’t sleep well, considering his brain was forcing images of Ronan, hard, or Ronan, beautiful in his mind late at night. This had not happened before. Of course, Adam always thought Ronan was devilishly handsome, impossible to have, so very dangerous and deadly— but he always knew the _line._ Now, his heart seemed like it didn’t. And his brain was accompanying.

That was why he decided to go Monmouth after work. He knew Gansey and Blue were headed to Cabeswater, and Noah was nowhere in sight lately, so Adam _knew _Ronan would be alone at Monmouth.

When he made it to the place, he looked at himself once again. He didn’t bother going to St. Agnes and showering— he simply couldn’t afford simple luxuries like this. He couldn’t shower just for the sake of looking good to Ronan, because Adam had already showered that morning and _things costed money_. So, he was in his dirty coveralls and Coca Cola t-shirt under it, his hair messy, his arms dirty with grease stains. He cared, but he didn’t. It was Ronan, in the end. And then, thinking twice, _it was Ronan._

He brushed the thoughts away as he walked inside, guessing right by opening the door without any force.

The place looked human-less but full with Gansey’s books lying around, miniature Henrietta holding most of the empty space, bed in the middle of the space. It was organised chaos, and Adam was so very used to it. He didn’t bother glancing around much, though. He walked his way to Ronan’s room and knocked gently before going inside.

When he invited himself in, Ronan glanced up from his bed, face angry. When he saw Adam, his anger turned into confusion. After a few seconds of staring at the boy, he lay his head back on the bed and took his earphones out from his ears. “Heard of knocking, Parrish?”

Adam stood in front of him. “We need to talk.”

Ronan didn’t look up at him. He was throwing a yellow ball up, catching it again with his left hand, eyes so very focused. “About?”

Adam looked at him. He was still standing, his hands were still in his pockets. “If you look at me and listen.”

Ronan stopped throwing the ball. He still didn’t look at Adam, though. His eyes focused on the ball in his hands. “You smell like gasoline.”

Adam’s self-consciousness took over him. “Yeah,” he said, shyer than before, “I came from work to talk to you.”

“I could pick you up.”

“No,” Adam replied. He didn’t want Ronan’s charity. He didn’t want anything from Ronan. He heard a voice in his head, whispering,_ Liar._ “I just want to talk. Can we?”

Ronan sat upright on the bed and made space for Adam to sit. “Just fucking talk, Parrish,” he said, patting on the place next to him. Adam sat down. He made sure not to touch Ronan. “I’m fucking listening.”

Adam sighed. “The thing is, Lynch, I don’t know either, I just wanted to—”

Ronan’s phone started ringing. The ringtone was the Murder Squash Song, and it was so loud. Adam’s focus went to the phone on the small desk, but Ronan was still looking at Adam. “And?”

Adam shook his head. “Aren’t you gonna pick that up?”

Ronan shrugged.

A moment later, the ringing stopped. Adam sighed in relief— he hated the Murder Squash Song. He didn’t hate it as much when Ronan sang it, but the original song— it woke him up and gave him the chills.

He opened his mouth to continue when the phone started ringing again. Adam’s heart felt like dropping to the ringtone. He murmured, “For fuck’s sake, Ronan—” and leaned into the desk to take the phone. Before he pressed _ACCEPT _and put the phone to his head, he looked at Ronan to see if it was okay to pick his calls for him. He always did this, even a year ago, but things were different now. Things _felt _different. When Ronan didn’t look bothered, though, he pressed the button and answered, “Hello?”

A guy Adam didn’t know said, “Hi, handsome.” His voice was like silk. “You coming tonight?”

Adam’s eyes narrowed unwillingly. He looked at the phone again to see the name, but the number wasn’t saved. He put the phone back to his ear. “Who’s this?”

The guy on the other end stayed silent for a second, then said, “Fuck—” then stopped. Then continued, “You’re not Lynch.”

“I’m not,” Adam said, looking at Ronan, eyes still narrowed. Ronan was chewing on his leather bracelets, staring at the floor. “This is his friend.”

“Okay, his_ friend,_” the guy said jokingly, “can you ask Ronan if he’ll come tonight?”

“Come where?” Adam asked. His voice came out angrier then he expected.

The guy’s voice came sarcastic when he replied, “Just ask him, dude. He can call me back later.”

Then he hung up. Adam waited for a second to hear something else, but realised the guy hung up. He shut the phone and looked at Ronan. “Who was this?”

Ronan snorted. “You’re asking me, Parrish?”

Adam realised _he _was the one talking on the phone and Ronan probably didn’t hear anything. “Right,” he said, frowning. “A guy. He asked if you’re coming tonight.”

Ronan didn’t look at Adam. He was still chewing on his bracelets. “Coming where?”

“I asked him, but he said you’d know.” Adam hesitated. He had no right to ask. He was nothing to Ronan. But he couldn’t help himself. “Who was that, Lynch?”

Ronan looked at him, finally. His gaze was unapologetic. “A friend.”

Adam frowned at him. “His number wasn’t even saved.”

“Does that fucking matter?”

Adam didn’t have a phone, but he knew that _that _mattered. If the guy’s phone wasn’t even saved, and Ronan was calling him a friend— Adam could think nothing but bad things. Bad things on _his _end.

“Is that, like,” Adam looked at him, searching for an answer on the other boy’s face. He was still frowning, his gaze burning right into Ronan’s eyes. He didn’t care about how pissed he looked. He _was_ pissed. Who was that guy to call Adam _dude _and Ronan _handsome_? “Is that someone you’re seeing?”

Ronan took his gaze off from the floor and looked at Adam. “Fuck no.”

Adam kept staring. “He called you handsome.”

“Every fucking guy calls me handsome,” Ronan replied sarcastically.

Adam frowned. Again. “I don’t.”

“You’re not every fucking guy,” Ronan said.

“What does that mean?”

Ronan didn’t say anything for a second. Then, he stood up and took the phone from Adam’s hands. As their fingers brushed, Adam held his breath. He couldn’t help but think, _I’m burning._

“What are you doing?” He asked.

Ronan looked at him sideways as he tapped on his phone, eyes narrowed. “You’re so fucking interested in me today, Parrish,” he said calmly, eyes still on the phone. “Did you hit your head or some shit?”

Adam looked at him, confused. “I’m always interested in you.”

Ronan stopped tapping. He glanced at Adam, only for a second, then looked back at his phone. His disinterest was, again, practiced well. _I’m burning, _Adam thought again.

“Are you going to meet him?”

Ronan tapped something, then a click sound came. Then he tossed the phone on the bed and looked at Adam. “Yes.”

Adam tried not to frown. “Why?”

Ronan shrugged. “Why the fuck not.”

Adam’s eyes lingered on the floor for a few more seconds, before going back up to Ronan. Ronan was already staring at him. Adam asked, “Can I come, too?”

Ronan snorted. “You wouldn’t like it.”

Adam frowned. This time he didn’t try not to. “Why not?”

“It’s a substance party, Parrish.”

The word _substance _hung in the air for a few seconds. They both didn’t say anything, but Adam stared at Ronan like he was a lost puzzle piece. A substance party. Ronan couldn’t— how could he? After Kavinsky’s death, how could he still go to those parties?

“You’re not using,” he said finally, not a question, not really an assumption— an order.

Ronan looked at Adam. “Of course not.”

Adam sighed. “Why then, Lynch?” He asked, voice angry and controlled. “Who even is this guy that you’re calling him a friend—”

“He’s Kavinsky’s ex,” Ronan said, voice nothing but an echo. He looked pained to having said way too many hidden things all at once.

Adam didn’t need to hear anything more. The word _Kavinsky _already was enough to burn Adam’s insides from anger and… and… _jealousy. _He stood up, facing Ronan. “Whatever, man,” he said, then made his way to the door. “First Kavinsky, now his ex—”

Ronan held Adam’s arm gently before the other boy could open the door. “What the fuck did you just say?”

Adam turned to look at Ronan’s hand gripping his arm. “Let go.”

Ronan let go. His gaze at Adam was deadly.

Adam sighed. “I’m tired of him. I’m tired of you messing around because of him.”

“I don’t—” Ronan trailed off. He looked angry. He looked at Adam like he was unknowable. _Yes, _Adam thought. _I am unknowable. _He then continued, “I don’t give a fuck about that, Parrish— I fucking— I never messed around for him—”

“Stop lying, Lynch.”

“I’m not!” Ronan shouted. It was probably the first time Adam heard Ronan shout. “Fuck, Adam— I’m not lying. I don’t give a fuck about that. About him. We’re gonna fucking race, and I will go home—”

“You don’t have to tell me—”

“—you can come with me, check on me, I don’t fucking care, I just don’t want you messing with these assholes—”

“Ronan,” Adam said. “Look at me.”

Ronan stopped talking. He looked at Adam. They were both standing now, right in front of each other, yet not close enough to be touching. Adam wanted to close the gap. Ronan was watching Adam, then his eyes drifted down to his lips. He stared at Adam’s lips like he saw them for the first time. Adam _burned_.

He didn’t know what pushed him to do it. He didn’t know if it was Ronan’s eyes on Adam’s lips, or if it was Ronan’s lips, parted and ready to take on Adam— either way, Adam lurched himself forward and kissed Ronan.

Ronan froze. Adam touched their lips together, hard— then started kissing him crazily, holding the other boy’s cheeks with both hands, eyes closed. It took Ronan half a second to soften, to answer the kiss, to kiss Adam just as hard. His hand held Adam’s nape, and Adam couldn’t help but think, _He’s burning, too. _

They kissed for minutes. They kissed forever. Adam never wanted to let go, Adam wanted to run away. It felt like someone had stabbed his stomach. It felt like he could stay there, standing, holding Ronan, kissing him, tongues on tongues, lips on lips forever— He couldn’t deny his feelings anymore.

“RONAN!” A shout came from behind. The door to Monmouth had clicked and opened. It was Gansey’s voice.

Adam pulled away from Ronan immediately. He looked at the other boy, just for a second— Ronan was stunned. He was looking at Adam, one hand on his lips, his blue eyes softer and more delicate than ever— what had Adam done?

“Ronan, please—” Gansey opened the door to Ronan’s room. He stopped talking when he saw Adam. “Oh, Parrish, hey.”

Adam turned to Gansey. They bumped fists, then Gansey asked, “What are you doing here?”

Adam was shaking. He forced himself not to. “Uh, wanted to talk to Lynch about something—”

“You two had a fight again?” Gansey asked, his eyes on Ronan, blaming.

Adam shook his head. “No, no,” he said, “it’s about— it was about cars. We talked. I’m leaving.”

Gansey looked suspicious. It was funny, considering he was usually oblivious to most things around him. “About _cars_?”

Adam nodded, then left the room hurriedly. “I gotta go, really. Um,” he looked back at Ronan, who was still watching him in shock. “Good talk, Lynch. I’ll see you around.”

Ronan didn’t say anything. Gansey had turned around and was watching Adam, more confused than ever.

Adam left as fast as he could. When he stepped outside, he looked up at the sky and closed his eyes. “What did I do?” He asked to himself, because if he didn’t, he didn’t know what else to ask.

Inside of him, it hurt.

Inside of him, everything _burned_.


	6. Chapter 6

_What have I done? _

It had been hours since Adam kissed Ronan. _Hours _since Ronan kissed him back.

Adam still didn’t know what to do.

At first, he stood in front of Monmouth for what felt like a thousand years. Then, he went to St. Agnes, walked his way, wasted more than an hour— but it was alright. He wouldn’t have been able to focus on anything else anyway.

A few hours ago, Ronan Lynch’s lips were on Adam’s. Adam still couldn’t believe it— he always knew, _suspected, _that Ronan swung _that _way, but he never thought Ronan would swing towards _Adam’s_ way.

Ronan, who was incredibly beautiful. Ronan, with those ice-blue eyes, deadly stare, strong posture and invincible stand. Ronan, who was a mystery. And he chose _Adam_?

No. That was impossible.

Adam was the one who kissed Ronan, anyways. What Ronan felt was pity at most, or struggle, or maybe, in the worst case, it was shock.

Ronan was so shocked, that, that was probably the reason he kissed Adam back. That was probably it. Then he probably pitied Adam in his head and _yes_, that was it.

Adam was burning, though. How could someone seem so reckless and careless like Ronan and kiss like _that_?

Adam wanted it again. He hated that he wanted it again.

That was why he was making his way back to Monmouth now. Not that he was planning on kissing Ronan _again, _because Adam knew better, but because he wanted to apologise. He was being stupid and reckless, so unlike himself— he had been feeling so alone and Ronan would understand that, Ronan wouldn’t be mad. Adam would explain everything, and their friendship would go on the way it was. Adam wouldn’t know how to handle it if Ronan decided to never talk to Adam again.

And well, it was Friday, and Adam didn’t have to work at Boyd’s tonight anyway, so he made his way to Monmouth. Where else would he go? He didn’t have anyone else.

This time, he knocked instead of bursting in. It was Gansey who opened the door, which was weirdly relieving. He looked surprised to see Adam. “Parrish, what’s up?”

They bumped fists as Adam got inside. “I just wanted to see you guys,” he said. “I know we didn’t plan anything, but…”

“No, no— you did good,” Gansey interrupted. He was wearing his pyjamas and had his glasses on. His hands were covered in black ink from writing on his journal. He made his way back to the couch and lay comfortably, eyes back to Adam. “It’s only me, though.”

Adam looked around. Ronan’s door was wide open and the room was empty. “Where’s Lynch?”

“I hope nowhere bad,” Gansey sighed as he spoke. “He left suddenly after you left. Did you two fight again?”

Adam looked at Gansey. He sat next to him on the couch. “We didn’t,” he said. His voice was more cautious now. Did Ronan really go to that substance party? Did _he_? This— anything that he thought about Ronan and how beautiful he was and that maybe, just _maybe_, he chose Adam— would mean nothing if he did. Adam felt so stupid, so small, so worthless—

“—Parrish?”

Adam looked up to face Gansey. “Did you say something?”

“Yeah,” Gansey said, eyes worried. “Are you alright? Should I call the others? Is it about Cabeswater?”

“No,” Adam said, standing up. He still felt Cabeswater in his veins and throat, but he didn’t mention it. “It’s fine. Sorry, I should’ve—” He stopped.

He thought of something.

Maybe Gansey knew who this guy was. Maybe this was another secret Ronan had been hiding, along with the racing and the dreaming and everything else.

He remembered Ronan's words echo inside his head. He’s_ Kavinsky’s ex. _

Adam hesitated a second before asking, “Actually, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, sure,” Gansey said. Gansey, ever the leader. Gansey, ever the best. 

Adam looked at Ronan’s room before he asked, “Do you know who Kavinsky’s ex is?”

The other boy didn’t say anything for a second. When Adam turned to face him, he saw that Gansey was thinking, looking at Ronan’s empty room. “Yes,” he said finally, voice careful. “Why?”

“Just curious,” Adam replied.

“He’s bad news, if that’s what you’re asking,” Gansey said, back to his comfortable self. He put his hands on his lap as he watched Adam, journal still in hand. “Worse than Kavinsky. He never really liked K, either, as far as I’m concerned,” he looked disgusted. Someone worse than Kavinsky? Adam couldn't imagine that. “It was just… _sexual _stuff, between them.”

Adam didn’t want to think about Kavinsky’s sex life.

Gansey continued when he saw that Adam was not going to say anything. “His name’s Mark. Lives close to Cheng’s." He pushed his glasses upwards on his nose. "_Why_, Parrish?”

But Adam had already stood up and made his way to the door. “No reason,” he said. He couldn’t tell Gansey about this guy’s substance party. It would create chaos between Ronan and Gansey, and Adam definitely didn’t want to cause that. He would, however, find Ronan himself. “Gotta go. I will see you later.”

“Okay,” Gansey said from the back as Adam closed the door.

He was going to _Mark’s _house.

—

It was so crowded. 

Everyone was high or wasted. 

Adam didn’t like this place. He was sure Ronan didn’t like this place, either, but Ronan would go anywhere for a good street race.

When Adam made his way inside, he saw that it was even _more _crowded here than outside. Nobody asked him who he was-- Adam suspected anyone here even saw things properly. It was scary in some way. People were making out, drinking, and Adam didn’t have a good feeling about this. He wanted to take Ronan and leave.

He shoved his way through and made his way to the kitchen when he heard people shout, “Mark! Mark! Mark!”

He followed the shouts. The house was very big, and there were at least a hundred people inside, so it took Adam a moment to find the source. He found it in front of the pool.

A guy was drinking beer and more than twenty people were around him, applauding him.

So, this was _Mark_.

Mark didn’t look like Kavinsky at all. _That_ meaning, he didn’t look stoned or drunk or high. He looked perfectly in place. He had fair skin, brown eyes, some freckles and curly brown hair. He looked like the skater type, if Adam had to label it. He didn’t look like someone who _raced _cars or dated _Kavinsky _or more, _used _Kavinsky, for…. _Sexual stuff, _Gansey’s voice echoed in his head.

Ronan was nowhere in sight, though.

Adam walked through the crowd, didn’t mind it when some heads turned to him, and stood right in front of Mark. People stopped shouting.

Mark looked at him, confused. He threw his beer away and asked, “Can I help you?”

His voice was rough. He sounded older than he looked. Adam _hoped_ this really was that Mark dude. He said, “Yeah, you can. Are you Mark?”

Mark grinned. He reminded Adam of Kavinsky right then, when he did. Nothing about the guy screamed dangerous, _until _that. “That’s me,” he said. The crowd was still watching them. “And you are?”

“Parrish,” Adam said. “Adam Parrish. I’m here for Ronan.”

Mark laughed and looked around to the others. “Y’all hear that, folks? He’s here for Lynch!”

Some people started laughing happily and some started shouting, _LYNCH! LYNCH! LYNCH!_

Adam’s gaze was still on Mark. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know, man,” Mark said, looking back at Adam. “I don’t care, either. He fucking beat me.”

So Ronan had raced. Even though he had promised not to. He had promised to Gansey, and he had promised to Adam, but he still raced.

Adam didn’t let that piss him off. Not now, at least. “Is he still here?”

“Sure,” Mark said. A moment later, the crowd started dissolving when they realised this wasn’t getting any angry or badass. Adam didn’t want to be angry or badass. He simply wanted to be himself and take Ronan out of this shithole of a place. “Are you that _friend_ of his?”

Adam looked confused at the other boy. “That _what_?”

“His fucking boyfriend. Are you the one he refused _me_ for?” Mark asked, eyes all around Adam. He looked dangerous then, so very dangerous, and Adam didn’t know why he thought the guy seemed okay in the first place. “He refused to fuck me for _you_?”

Adam wanted to punch him. He _was _going to punch him, actually, if he didn’t see Ronan on the other side of the pool.

Ronan was lying on the lounge chair, a beer in hand, although it didn’t look very steady. The bottle looked like it was slipping from Ronan’s hand, and Ronan was so focused on the pool that he didn’t even see Adam.

Adam looked back at Mark for a second, then said, “Stay away from him.”

Mark laughed. His laugh was poison. “You’re protecting _Lynch_?” He asked, eyes wrinkled. _“He_ came to me.”

Adam took his eyes off of Mark and looked at Ronan again. _Why, Ronan? _He asked inside, but didn’t say anything out loud. If Mark thought Adam would get mad, he was right. If he thought Adam would sell Ronan away and leave him for this, he was wrong. “I don’t care,” he said. He put his finger on Mark’s chest. “_You _stay away from him.”

Then he left, not waiting for a response from the other boy. Mark's laugh was right behind him, haunting.

Adam made his way to Ronan. His t-shirt got a little wet from walking by two girls jumping into the pool, but he didn't care. His eyes were only on Ronan. When he got there, he stood in front of him, but Ronan still hadn’t taken his gaze from the pool.

Adam leaned in and took the beer bottle from his hand. That was when Ronan looked up. “Parrish?” He asked, voice so surprised. His voice was blurry because of the crowd. Adam was sure Ronan was drunk.

“Yes,” Adam said, “Get up.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I will tell you on the way,” Adam said. He reached his hand out for Ronan to take it. “Get up. We’re leaving.”

Ronan lay back. He folded his hands on his head. “I’m not doing shit.”

“We’re going,” Adam stated again. “Get up, Lynch.”

“The fuck are you gonna do if I don’t?” Ronan asked, voice blurrier than before. He wasn’t even looking at Adam anymore, his gaze was back on the pool. “Are you gonna fucking kiss me again?”

Adam stared. He was surprised to hear the honesty. Sober Ronan would never speak of this.

This was dangerous. _This is dangerous, _he thought. He frowned a bit. He was diving in. “If it means you’ll get up.”

Ronan looked up at him. A moment passed.

“Do it, then.”

Adam stared at Ronan, stunned. “You want me to _kiss_ you?”

“The fuck did I just say,” Ronan said, not really a question.

Adam looked down at him. He was still lying, not leaving any empty space on the lounging chair. This _was_ dangerous. Ronan was drunk— not drunk like nights before when he came to St. Agnes to see Adam, but drunk _enough _to be stood away from. Adam was sure of it. “I’m not kissing a drunk guy.”

Ronan looked at him like he was slapped. “I’m not fucking drunk, Parrish.”

He wasn’t sure he heard that correctly. “What?”

“The fuck did I just say,” Ronan said again.

“I don’t believe you.”

“You want to fucking test it?” Ronan asked. His voice was rough— it sounded still and dangerous. How was he not drunk? “I only drank two beers.”

Adam stared at him. “Why do you look drunk, then?”

Ronan stared back only for a second before standing up slowly. “You know what,” he said, steadying his feet on the ground as he stood up, “Fuck it.” He didn’t look at Adam. “Fuck it. I'm leaving.”

“Ronan,” Adam said, holding the other boy’s arm before he could leave. “Lynch-- I came here for you.”

Ronan looked at his arm where they touched. “Why?”

“Can we leave this place?” Adam asked. “I want to talk.”

“Talk here.”

Adam looked at him. “No.”

Ronan didn’t look back, but Adam knew he had him. He always had him. They always fought, and they always made it up to each other. That was how Adam and Ronan worked.

Adam led the way as they went inside the house, then out again, this time form the entrance. Adam felt relief rush inside him when he was out of the doomed place.

Ronan’s BMW was far away, so the walk to that-- even _that_ was painful. Adam couldn’t imagine the rest of the night.

When they got inside the car, Adam heard Ronan’s phone beep inside his pocket. Adam realised it had been like that for a while.

“You want me to check?” He asked Ronan, who had already started the car.

Ronan nodded and pulled his phone out. Adam took it, then stared at the texts.

They were all from Gansey.

_Are you okay?_

_Hey, Adam was here, he asked about you. Where are you?_

_Ronan_

_Ronan, please call me._

_Ronan Lynch, we’ll have a problem when you come back home._

Adam couldn’t help but smile at Gansey’s father-like worry. That was the exact reason why Ronan called him _Dad_.

He typed, _It’s Adam. We’re together, don’t worry, he’s fine, _and put the phone in his own pocket. Ronan glanced at him sideways, but didn’t say anything as he drove.

A few minutes passed like that. Adam was dying to know what had happened. Adam was dying to know how Ronan was feeling.

“So,” he said finally, after what felt like a decade. “You have a boyfriend?”

Ronan’s knuckles went white as he held the wheel. The radio was on, so he acted like he didn’t hear the other boy. “What?”

“Mark said you’ve got a boyfriend.” Adam’s voice was sure and smooth.

“Mark,” Ronan said, echoing the name. “When the fuck did you talk to him?”

“When you were gazing at the pool,” Adam said, voice nothing but a tired ghost. “Answer my question.”

“I don't have a fucking _boyfriend_,” Ronan replied. He waited a moment before asking, “Can you think of me with anyone?”

_Yes, _Adam thought, _me_. “No.”

“Don’t fucking believe anything that shit-face says,” Ronan continued. “Why the fuck did you even talk to him? He’s a fucker.”

Adam frowned. “_You _talk to him,” he said. “A lot, apparently.”

Ronan’s face was getting red. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Adam turned to face Ronan as the other boy drove. “It means he told me _you _went to him to race. _You _asked him. Even though you promised me.”

Ronan didn’t say anything. He opened his mouth to protest, then closed it. Then he opened it again and asked, “Do you really fucking care?”

Adam closed his eyes and put his palm on one of them. “I’m stupid for coming to you," he said, and he meant it. Adam never felt more stupid. What did he think-- he was going to kiss Ronan and they would live happily ever after? "Take me to St. Agnes.”

Ronan didn't answer, but he turned the wheel. They both didn’t say anything else.

The rest of the drive was quiet, even the radio’s volume was so low, Ronan having it turned down— but it was alright. Adam couldn’t handle music or any kind of sound anymore.

When they made it to St. Agnes, Ronan didn’t get out of the car. He looked at Adam.

Adam didn’t look at him. “Thanks,” he said, and left without waiting for Ronan to answer.


	7. Chapter 7

It was a good thing that Adam didn’t have a phone.

They were in Latin class and Adam was trying so hard not to look at Ronan or Gansey. Not looking at Ronan was easier today, surprisingly, because Ronan was avoiding him, too, but Gansey— well, Gansey was _watching _him.

Adam couldn’t focus and he regretted it the moment classes were over. He left before everyone else and basically _ran away _from his friends. He couldn’t face them, no. It was easy to run away, because he only had to see them at school and he didn’t have a phone.

But he couldn’t run away for long. The more he ran away, the more he was alone with himself, and the more he was alone, the more he thought about that night.

It had been five days. Five days since Adam didn’t talk to Ronan and Gansey nor looked at them. Gansey was innocent in this case, but Adam couldn’t _talk_ to him and _not _talk to Ronan, so he let go of both. It had been five days since Adam ignored Blue, who came to his door twice, asking if he was okay. Five days since Adam only talked to Noah, who was impossible to ignore.

The days were way too long for Adam to be alone with himself and think. He had way too much time to himself and he hated it. He thought and thought— even when he was working, studying, showering.

He was _embarrassed_ more than anything else— for kissing Ronan, for thinking about him, for wanting him, for still wanting to _kiss _him. Then, he was angry. Angry at Ronan, for Adam knew— Adam _knew _Ronan must have feelings for him, but Ronan was still cold, still distant.

Adam was angry Ronan hadn’t done anything these five days.

When Adam wanted something, it was such an out-of-the-ordinary thing that Adam would do _anything _to get it.

When Ronan wanted something, he pushed it away.

Adam was tired of it, but he was too proud to admit.

It was a good thing that Adam was in his clean t-shirt and jeans that afternoon. It was Wednesday, and Adam had just gotten out of work. He had given himself ten minutes of luxury-showering time, something he allowed himself only on Wednesdays. He was staring at his second-hand lecture books on his desk when he heard a knock on the door. It wasn’t Ronan’s harsh and angry knocks, so he assumed it was Gansey.

He kept staring at his books.

The knocks, though, became harsher and angrier all of a sudden.

Adam stood up and went for it.

He was surprised to see everyone— _literally _everyone there. Gansey, Blue, Ronan and even Noah. Ronan was in the back, not staring at him, but everyone else’s eyes were on Adam. 

“Surprise,” Gansey said, quickly added by, “Please don’t be mad.”

Adam stared. “What’s this?”

Blue looked at him. “We came to pick you up,” she said, seizing Adam’s face for any sight of anger. “I have a shift in fifteen minutes and we’re going to Nino’s.”

Adam watched all of them except for Ronan. “You all came here for me?”

Blue and Gansey smiled. Noah cheered and said, “Of course. You’ve been alone for a while.”

It hurt Adam. This was too much— no, he definitely didn’t deserve this. He wanted to hug them. He knew he was angry most of the time, _always _angry at himself and sometimes angry at them, but he never spent the time to think about how much he _loved _them. He loved them so much, more than he loved anything else— and the realisation hit him so hard.

“Okay,” he said, surprising everyone. He saw Ronan raise an eyebrow. “Let me get my keys.”

He went back inside and put on a thin jacket— it was very very cold— and put his keys in his pocket before he left and closed the door. He followed the others outside.

—

The four of them found a nice booth as Blue went the other way to work. Ronan sat across Adam, next to Gansey, and Noah and Adam were next to each other.

Gansey was watching Adam. At first, Adam was going to ignore it. Ronan was looking the other way, Noah was acting like he didn’t know anything and was all smiley— so Adam was going to _ignore_ it.

But he couldn’t. Not like this. Gansey was his best friend, and funnily, the only one who didn't know what was going on.

“What is it, Gansey?” He asked, not helping himself.

Gansey took his glasses out and used his shirt as a cleaner. “Nothing, nothing,” he said calmly. “I’m just wondering what exactly happened.”

Adam looked at him. “Nothing,” he said, all casual. “I’ve just been so busy.”

“I’m sure,” Gansey continued sincerely, “but five days…" He looked at Noah and Ronan to get confirmation. "We missed you, Parrish.”

Adam smiled. He was trying his best. If Gansey knew what Adam did— if Gansey knew what Adam felt for Ronan… He didn’t want to think about that.

Noah glanced at him and said, “Well, we want to distract you from your work,” His eyes were shining with joy. “I mean, if Henry was here, he’d say you should hook up with someone for distraction, but since it’s only us—”

Adam did his absolute _best _not to look at Ronan when he heard Noah's words.

It was impossible, though.

When Adam glanced at him, he saw that Ronan had already been watching him, ice blue eyes just as deadly as five days ago. Adam’s heart ached to the sight. He was all in blacks, just as usual, and Adam wanted to hold his t-shirt and pull him closer and—

Adam had to stay back.

He glanced away— a loss in their staring game, but Adam didn’t care— and looked at Gansey again. Gansey was Adam’s safe zone to look at, with Noah knowing about Ronan, and Ronan _being _Ronan. He asked, “You guys went to Cabeswater?”

Gansey turned his eyes back to Adam. “No, we didn’t want to go without you,” he said. “But Ronan threw Noah outside the window. It was a blast.”

Adam looked at Ronan. He had to hide his smile at this— he always knew Ronan loved Noah. Curses and bad behaviour was Ronan's way of showing affection. “You threw Noah off the window?”

Ronan glanced at him. A moment passed. “Now you talk to me, Parrish?”

Adam didn’t expect this. He looked away. “My mistake.”

“Thought so,” Ronan replied.

Adam didn’t want to think about the implication.

“_Alright,_” Gansey said, looking at Blue who was bringing their iced-teas. “Our drinks are here,” he looked up and waited for Blue to hand him the iced-teas. Blue said, "Here you go," and handed Gansey all four of the iced-teas. Gansey put them all in front of the boys. “Drink up.”

“You’re so fucking weird, Dick,” Ronan said as he took a sip from his iced-tea.

Gansey looked at him. “_You_ are telling _me_?”

Noah laughed but didn’t say anything.

At that moment, Adam wished they could stay like that forever. He was still bitter with Ronan— rightfully so, it was Adam’s mistake— but he wanted to stay right there, at Nino’s, all of them together, _forever_.

It was a moment to remember.

—

“I will drop Parrish off,” Ronan said to the others as he walked up to Adam. It had gotten way too late, but Adam hadn't realized it. They talked all evening-- about Glendower, about Noah's weird fade-aways, about things that mattered and things that weren't so very crazy for them. They didn't talk about Maura being gone or Gwenllian being here or anything maddening. 

When Adam heard Ronan, he glanced back at him and away. “You don’t have to."

“We gotta talk,” Ronan replied, already getting inside the BMW.

Adam followed him and got inside the passenger seat. “Coming to St. Agnes, then?”

Ronan didn’t look at him as he started the car. He simply nodded.

The ride was quiet. Neither of them said anything, but the stillness and the silence meant one thing: They both knew this was _important_. They couldn’t be talking nonsense because they weren’t in a stage like this. It was either _forget about it forever and keep being best friends, _or _stop talking to me and to Gansey_.

Adam was so afraid of it being the latter.

When they made it to St. Agnes, Adam didn’t wait for Ronan to get inside and made his way upstairs. He could hear him following him, so he left the door open and sat on the bed.

When Ronan got inside, he closed the door and looked back at Adam. Adam looked up at him. “Okay, talk.”

Ronan stared. “Chill,” he said, voice anything _but _chill.

He took his jacket off and sat on Adam’s old chair. The distance between them was too much. _He hates me, _Adam thought.

They both looked around for a moment, at anything but each other— then Adam couldn’t help it. He couldn’t wait anymore. He had to be done with it, he had to take this burden off his chest. “I’m listening, Lynch.”

Ronan looked at him. “Why did you vanish?”

“What?”

Ronan kept staring at him, waiting for an answer and not a question.

Adam didn’t say anything for a moment. He stared back, but he wasn’t as patient. Silently, he added, “What I did was a mistake.” He glanced away. Ronan's gaze was tearing him apart. "You don't deserve this shit I did to you."

Ronan snorted. “You have to be more fucking specific,” he said. “You’ve done a lot of shit recently, Parrish.”

Adam gulped. Was he talking about the kiss? If so, why did he even bother with all of this? Adam was talking about the vanishing, the _not talking for five days_. He was definitely _not _talking about the kissing. “Why are you here, then?”

They both stared at each other.

“You know why.” Ronan finally said, his voice nothing but an echo. A ghost of something. Adam wasn't even sure he heard it.

It took Adam a moment to truly understand the words. What Ronan was saying— Adam couldn’t be misinterpreting it, could he?

He wanted to stand up and walk to Ronan.

So he did.

Ronan stood up as well.

They stared at each other. Adam frowned-- was this real? Was this really happening?

He asked, silently, “Do I?”

Ronan stared down at Adam, his gaze the lightest and the darkest things combined. “You do.”

“I don’t want to do a mistake again,” Adam said, voice careful this time.

“It never was one,” Ronan replied.

Adam looked at him, as he had been looking for months. Ronan looked back, as he had been looking back for months.

How their lips brushed, Adam didn’t remember. But he remembered that they _did _brush. They did brush so well.

Adam had kissed people before. He had, however, never felt a fire inside his lungs, as if his insides were trees and Ronan’s kiss was the flame that set it all.

Adam was totally okay with that. He was okay with burning, as long as the flame was Ronan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The details of this last moment will be in the next chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has intense smut, so be warned.

Ronan was _burning_.

Five days ago, he was stupid enough to go to Mark and race with him. Mark was easy, of course, but that wasn’t the point. It had been the stupidest mistake of his life— what was he even thinking? Adam had _kissed _him that day— yes, _kissed _him— and Ronan had forgotten how to function properly. What was he supposed to do? Run after him? Tell him he’s been in love with him ever since he saw him with his stupid bike outside Aglionby?

No. Of course not.

Instead of doing any of these things, Ronan did what he was best at: He ruined their friendship. He ruined everything.

_Adam _was the one who kissed Ronan, yes, but it wasn’t because he liked Ronan or anything— hell, if Adam _did _really like Ronan, Ronan would burn cities even for a little smile from him— but he knew that wasn’t the case. Adam hated being a charity case, yet Ronan was _one _for him. He pitied Ronan— obviously— and kissed him, because Ronan did not know what _subtle _meant.

He hadn’t slept for nights. All he could think about was Adam and his last words to him— how he got out the car and basically _ran _inside the church. Ronan had wanted to go after him. He wanted to run and hold him and say _sorry _until his mouth got dry.

But Adam couldn’t know about his feelings. Ronan’s feelings for him were, easily, maddening. He was crazy for Adam, especially now more than ever. He had always loved him, ever since he first saw him— he remembered how he looked up to God and prayed and whispered, _Please, _but it was different now. Now, Adam was looking Ronan the way Ronan was looking at him.

So, naturally, Ronan had to do something.

It felt right to say, _I will drop Parrish off_, when he found the right time away from Gansey and the others— Gansey was oblivious to _everything_ and yet he was still suspicious about Ronan spending more time with Adam lately— so he did it. Adam accepted, _thank God_, and off they went to St. Agnes.

Ronan didn’t expect anything to come out from this conversation. He knew he was terrible at confessing, or talking in general, really, but he expected Adam to at least _say something_.

He didn’t expect this.

_“I don’t want to do a mistake again,” _Adam had said.

_“It never was one,”_ Ronan had replied.

And then, like a dream, Ronan dared to look at him, as he had been looking for months. And Adam looked back, as if he had been looking back for months.

Now, Adam was kissing him.

It took Ronan seconds process what was happening. Adam’s lips were on his— his soft, beautiful, elegant lips— and Ronan was kissing him back. Fuck, he was kissing him _back_.

This was the second time they were kissing. It couldn’t be a coincidence anymore, could it? It couldn’t be just a flick, just a momentary thing. Ronan was scared shitless. But he had never felt so good, either.

This was better than racing. This was better than anything Ronan had dreamt of.

And all he ever dreamt of was kissing Adam.

In dreams, Ronan kissed Adam’s freckles.

It was impossibly real when he did it now, too.

Adam’s kiss was harsh and hurried, but Ronan was taking his time. As he touched Adam’s ribs through his shirt and slowly traced his skin, Adam pulled Ronan more and more into himself, holding his nape with one hand and tilting his chin downwards with the other.

Ronan then pulled back, only a small breath of a space between them, and breathed out slowly. Before Adam could lift himself up back to Ronan’s lips, Ronan leaned down and kissed the other boy’s neck. He slowly kissed the freckles, feeling the taste of Adam’s beautiful skin. He smelled like _Adam Adam Adam_, and Ronan was _obsessed_. A slow but hesitant moan came out of Adam’s mouth, making Ronan smile into his skin. He closed his eyes and enjoyed licking him, giving him gentle bruises and kissing every freckle on his neck.

“Is this real?” He whispered into the other boy’s neck.

Adam let Ronan suck his neck a little more before holding Ronan’s head and raising it slowly. His eyes were glimmering. “More real than anything.”

This time, Ronan kissed him. It was sloppy and harsh and urgent, but Ronan could only feel the hotness and _Adam_. _This is real, _he told himself. He let his tongue discover what Adam’s mouth tasted like, and ignited when Adam moaned under his lips.

This was magic.

He abruptly carried Adam off his feet whilst they were still kissing, and Adam let him. He did not just _let him_, but his hold against Ronan got harsher as he wrapped his legs around the other boy’s waist. Their groins were touching now, and Ronan twitched under the feeling of Adam, hard. Adam was _hard_.

This wasn’t a flick or a momentary thing. Adam _liked _Ronan. Hell, maybe it was more. He was hard under him, and he was kissing him back, pushing himself towards him and burning under Ronan’s moans.

_He’s burning, too, _Ronan thought.

The world became his.

He carried Adam to bed and lay down before him. Adam climbed on top of him, his hand on the hem of Ronan’s shirt. Ronan obeyed Adam’s silent command and got rid of it in a second. Then he touched Adam’s and looked at him, waiting for an approval.

“Off,” Adam said, and let Ronan take his shirt off.

Ronan touched the other boy’s ribs and chest and blinked, amazed. “Fuck,” he said slowly.

“What?” Adam asked, the insecurity in his voice rising up.

Ronan didn’t let him say anything else, though, and pulled him closer for another kiss. He was not giving this up— not now. He kissed and kissed him, pulling him closer and closer until Ronan’s head was on the pillow and Adam’s was on him. A moment later, Adam was grinding on Ronan, and Ronan lost it. “_Fuck_,” he let out in a hurry. He pulled himself upward to respond Adam’s hard groin, and Adam moaned loudly.

Adam’s hands went down to Ronan’s jeans and stopped at the zipper. He stopped kissing Ronan and whispered, “You want to?”

Ronan didn’t hesitate a second. “Yes.”

His jeans were on the ground in a second, and Adam’s, too, and the only barrier they had between them now was their boxers. They were moving their hips up and down, like singing, and Ronan felt like magic under Adam’s touch.

He wanted to feel more.

In a second, he switched his and Adam’s positions, going on top, and looked at Adam unapologetically. “Can I?” He asked shyly.

Adam looked at him, surprised. “Can you what?”

Ronan started kissing Adam’s chest and Adam’s head lay back down on the pillow. He sighed a moan and Ronan felt brave enough to kiss more. He kissed his nipples, then his belly, and when he came to his crotch, he sucked a small bruise on top.

“Fuck,” Adam moaned loudly.

Ronan smirked. “Language, Parrish.”

“Shut up,” Adam replied in a hurry.

Ronan went back to it. He slowly, so very slowly unfolded Adam’s boxers and pushed them down, staring in awe at Adam’s hard bulge.

“Fuck,” he said, searching for breath. “Fuck— you’re so—”

“What?” Adam asked again, looking down at Ronan.

Ronan looked up at him. “Can I take care of it?”

Adam nodded, fast.

Ronan took Adam’s hard cock in his hands, pulling and pushing it down slowly, enjoying Adam’s delicious moans. Then he slowly leaned down and kissed the tip, licking the pre-cum as he closed his eyes.

“Ronan,” Adam moaned, and put his hand on Ronan’s freshly shaved head. He didn’t push him down or anything, but his hand stayed there. Ronan liked how Adam was controlling in bed.

He started sucking properly after a moment, not teasing Adam any longer, and Adam pushed his hips up while Ronan was still sucking him. When he realised what he did, he stopped abruptly and said, “Fuck— Sorry—”

Ronan didn’t let him finish his words and sucked him deeper.

Adam came undone within seconds, pushing himself up again, moaning a hard and loud, “Ronan, fuck—” and Ronan watched him come for _him_.

He would never forget this.

He was never going to be with anyone else.

He trailed light kisses on the other boy’s chest as he came up to face him. Adam held his face with both hands and kissed him gently. “Now let me,” he whispered.

Ronan looked at him. “You don’t have to.”

Adam grinned and went on top of him.

It wasn’t very hard for Ronan to come when it was _Adam _he was in bed with. Ronan had not even kissed anyone, let alone do anything else— it was easy. It was so easy.

Ronan couldn’t hide a happy smirk, though, when Adam saw Ronan’s hard bulge and breathed, “Fuck, you’re huge.”

Even Adam’s _words _were enough for Ronan to twitch under him.

He came within minutes, Adam holding him in his hands— those beautiful, elegant hands, and then he lay next to him, chest rising and falling fast.

Ronan looked at him. He touched his cheekbones, brushing them lightly with his fingers. He didn’t say anything.

Adam closed his eyes and smiled. Ronan would burn cities for that true smile, elastic and amiable. “Let’s sleep.”

Ronan grinned. “You want me to spoon you, Parrish?”

Adam didn’t open his eyes. “Shut up,” he said. Then he grinned. “Yes.”

Ronan didn’t have to wait after that. Adam turned around and Ronan hugged him, he hugged him as softly as he could, nose on his shoulder— _God_, Adam smelled good.

He knew Adam would want to talk about everything the next morning, but now, all they both wanted was to hug the longing away.

“I’m real,” Adam whispered before drifting off to sleep.

Ronan kissed his nape and buried his head in his body. “I know,” he replied, his voice shaky from happiness.

This was real.

And Ronan was the happiest person alive.


End file.
